Recently I was thinking over my past. and honestly I have no real regrets at all. I did what I did and it took me to the places that I have been, and they were all a part of the whole package of my life, which in its entirety and on the whole has been pretty amazing. Yay life, right?!However, I have to admit, the glass remains half full because when it comes to relationships,
I am happily and unapologetically single with a smile. Everything you hear indicates that you must desire a counterpart in order to live a normal life. All your friends want that for you, telling you that you need that. They even go out of their way to set you up with any breathing moving man over 40 and available. What no one sees, or seems to understand, is that there is a certain type of woman that doesn’t feel she needs a man to complete her. She is just crazy enough to believe that she can complete herself! Lunacy… I know!
Other than the goal of having children, I have had little use for a man. I checked that one off my list 9 years ago with the birth of my second child. I think it would be amazing if there were a man that could sweep me off my feet and change that thinking, but quite honestly, I don’t think that man exists.
WHY Is She So Crazy?
I was madly in love with my ex-husband. He was the most fun, exciting date ever. I loved being with him every weekend. Yet, part of me was happy for Mondays, when I would go back to work and not have to be bothered with his laundry, nasty feet, farting, and never ending need to get all of my attention. Even when I was young, there was something about me that didn’t really ‘need’ that constant companionship or attention from a man. Solitude, a good book, or a movie and jammies was preferable to dealing with a man on a day to day basis. Weird right?
I never understood friends who rotated their worlds around a boyfriend. “Let’s see what he is doing?” I could give a flying fig about what anyone I dated was doing in my 20s. I was busy doing me. I think this made men want me more, which was also a little annoying. Girls chasing boys? Forget it. I rarely gave out my real telephone number to men. “How boring, waste of time.” was what I though but never said. Even then I knew I was quite the weirdo, so much of those thoughts I kept to myself.
I like the chase, the challenge and the thrill of getting my way with whatever man I choose… then going to dinners and dating was terrific! Boyfriends were never in short supply. I always had some chore or bit of usefulness for them. (*wink*) It never occurred to me that I really didn’t need a relationship to have happiness. Men were there regardless. I went from high school sweetheart 14-21 (mostly) to a husband (22-37) to a random realtor boyfriend (38-41). I never even gave it a second thought. There was no down time for the man situation. Now that I am happily choosing to have some down time, I am realizing that I quite enjoy it!
Of Mice and Men
I often think about a cat I had once, Mr. Kitty. He was altogether a mouser. One day I came home and found Mr. Kitty sitting in my bedroom floor with something between his paws. He was touching it gently from time to time and then it wiggled! Ewe… it was a tiny little mouse!
Mr. Kitty, like me, was a cursorial being. He liked to chase, he liked to play with his little mouse, then he would let it go. Well, I am Mr. Kitty in this scenario. The men are the mice. Strange but true.
I think it began with my former husband. He was exciting and fun, treating me like a queen most of the time. (Mind you, Friday through Sunday was our only time together most weeks.) If ever we did argue, he always compensated with lovely gifts of jewelry, perfume and my favorite restaurant, which was Duling Kurtz House in Exton back then. I think many women wanted him, which made it all the more fun that I caught him.
Being “That Girl”
My ex-mother-in-law hated me because my ex was “obsessed” with me. In her words, he would literally “shit shower and shave” then back to “that girl.” Oh yes, I was that girl. I loved the struggle this presented. The Chase… Drama Queen, I know!
So, finally after many years of dating, I decided that I wanted children. I was 28, and it was time to have them if that was what I wanted. My ex was not that into marriage, so I began dating someone else.
Within a month my now ex-husband had planned our entire wedding, honeymoon and reception. I suffered a bit from OCS (Only Child Syndrome). I knew that would do the trick, men are simple, simple beings. I won. The ex’s mom had no choice but to accept me, and the fact that her little boy couldn’t live without me.
Two years into my marriage I had our first son, Bryce. He was and remains angelic and perfect. We were so happy with him that we wanted another child right away. Our second child, Chase, was born 11 months later… gorgeous and chubby and perfect too! I felt like I had it all. I did. The kids were my main focus, and they lived happily ever after! Right?! Not so much.
I became completely annoyed by a controlling husband who had previously been the ‘King of the World’, and now was not thrilled with his demotion. I loved being a stay at home mom, but catering to his enormous ego was not on my ‘to do’ list at the time.
Lots of things happened, and we tried for over a year to work our marriage out and keep our family together, but he needed constantly to be the center of attention. I just could not comply. I took my children, my dogs and my clothes, and I returned to my perfect apartment.
Looking back though, I did begin to notice a pattern in myself. Dating thereafter has been challenging. I don’t want to do it. I took up with a realtor, the day after my divorce, and I was quickly in another long term relationship. After year one, I tired of him too. Of course, it took until year four to rid myself of the dead horse I was beating, but eventually I did end it.
The question I am asking to myself is, “Is it me then?” I think the answer is probably “Yes.” I go after a man, I get him, I tire of him, and then I dispose of him. I wish there was a way to wrap this saga up neatly and tell you that I now am in a successful dating pattern, but I’m not. I’m a terrible dater.
I never give anyone a chance, reviewing my choices, and not really feeling any remorse over them either? Crazy, right? To some extent I would say yes, but in other regards I watch my friends dealing with these men, with their idiocy, cheating, lying and just horrible man stuff, then I think, “Oh yes, I am right to leave that alone.” It is a mess.
Mastering the Art of Aloneness
What is most appalling, and what I find terrible, weird and uncomfortable, is that many ladies’ husbands are either hitting me up on line, or flirting shamelessly with me, right in front of their wives. Then these poor “wives” have to go home and have that argument! I go home, do my nails and watch Netflix or read a book. Sex? Well, lets all be honest ladies… if we want it, we get it. No shortage of willing participants in that arena. So, to what end is it required that we maintain a “relationship” with a man anymore?
This is an unsolved mystery for me, and I don’t really know that I want to solve it. Scooby and the Mystery Van crew can back off, I’m happy and I feel like my life is complete as it is now. Somehow, that happiness really pisses people off though. Those it doesn’t piss off, it worries.
Sometimes, I doubt myself too. Perhaps, a man would complete me… for now, I see my pattern of cursorial dating and I accept it… for now. Everyone thinks there is some amazing Prince Charming type situation out there, and I’m not different that way either. It would be Awesome! But, for now, is it really so wrong, and annoying to others, that I enjoy a bit of “alone time” and feel totally happy? Must you really find me someone? I just can’t right now. Ha!
To be continued…